To Whom It Doesn't Concern

I've been a connoisseur, which is to say a northeastern American, fracophilic, bi-pedal, carnivore, of American "culture" for as long as i can remember.

I thought that M. Night Shymalan fans would all prove to be twisted in the end.

I nearly bit off the tip off my tongue hearing loved ones extoll the "merits" of "Napoleon Dynamite" and "Garden State."

I swore and ranted at the heavens watching the remains of Dr. Seuss exhumed, defiled and hung over box offices in effigy. Oh the Places (cat in the hat!?!?!?!?!) You'll Go. I am crossing my fingers that the Muppet's continue on in peaceful repose, far from the memory of these godless, shameful, production companies.

I first saw an Oscar Award on a Loony Tunes short and have since observed that it has only become more and more surreal.

So, my point?

"a brief glance into madness" or "the only ratings event with more craziness per second than charles manson's annual parole hearing" or "movie?..................duh.............whats a movie??? are those the pretty little lights i see while I'm holding myself breathe underwater? oh yeah, thats right, those are called bubbles..........teehee.............i know how to cook mustard all by myself."

Unheralded by the prestigious debacle: Dr Strangelove, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Planet of the Apes, (if you ask wondering which one, please go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200.) Clockwork Orange, The Bride of Frankenstein, Full Metal Jacket, Rebel Without a Cause, Taxi Driver, Blade Runner,(!?!?) The Magnificent Seven, It's a Wonderful Life, Meet John Doe, Requiem for a Dream and The Seven Samurai.

oh you read right! THE The Seven Samurai!!

(Alfred Hitchcock has been so raped by the Academy that he deserves a lifetime's recognition award for fully demonstrating Oscar's true "value." His snub list alone includes Rear Window, Vertigo, Charade, Strangers on a Train, The Birds, North by Northwest, Shadow of a Doubt, and, you may want to sit for this one, Psycho.

Never even acknowledged by the prestigious debacle: The Shining, Metropolis, Reservoir Dogs, The Big Lebowski, The Lady Vanishes, King Kong, The Big Sleep, Duck Soup, Miller's Crossing, His Girl Friday and Touch of Evil.

(This last one could not have shaken Mr. Welles faith in the sincerity of the academy at all. It is par for a course that bestowed only one award on his masterpiece Citizen Kane, which the Academy, much like they treated The Passion more recently, blacklisted for personal reason. It can not be argued that it was the most innovative film ever made. C'est la vie. On with the show.)

And the Winner Is......... bubadabubadabubada; Crash!! "Gigi?"

shhhhhhhhhhhh...... please, hold your applause.

Lauded with Aplomb by These Titan's of Tartuffery:

Rocky over Taxi Driver? When i ask my kids to choose between Buckley's Steak House and MacDonald for dinner I get a peek into the precise sort of undeveloped sense of taste that arrives at decisions like this. "Are you looking at me? If Rocky is your next best choice you dam well better be looking at me."

Kramer vs Kramer over Apocalypse Now? I would postulate that this was a late night decision and that drugs were involved, but that is truly unfair to drugs. Given a chance they might have help inspired even the dullest minds to make another decision? It just seems strange that even Captain Kurtz would have known that this was crazy.

Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan and The Big Lebowski? If only they had saved Private Meg Ryan or if nihilists had beat the Academy unstupid with socks full of bowling balls and homemade napalm. Jesus!

and i'm sorry..................

Forrest Gump over The Shawshank Redemption AND Pulp Fiction? The Academy is like a box of chocolates. Sweet nostalgic toothaches over cinematic craft and character development but still less satisfying than a Big Kahuna Burger or $5 shake. And needless to say, far less to be desired than a Morgan Freeman voice-over or full-sized poster of Rita Hayworth.

So, to whom it doesn't concern. Bravo!

This is my first blog, my subject will be American absurdity.

Now I'm not saying the Hollywood, or the movies or the Academy are absurd. Don't take this the wrong way.

Its just that my hands have rebelled from my body and are now galloping of their own accord across the keyboard; pillaging like Stonewall Jackson's cavalry brigade. I've tried to sabotage their reign of terror but have only managed to cause a few typos. They foresee my every move.

I've never even heard of half of these movies, but i can sense this is only the beginning.

My fingers have a mind of their own and they are coming. Coming like the sound and fury to shoot American cultural and sociological absurdities where they stand.